Arguments are part of everyone’s life. We argue all the time. Sometimes it is intentional, at other times it is unintentional and we may not even be aware when we are arguing. Arguing is part of the human experience, it can really be one of the most horrible interactions we all engage in. Islam literally means completely submitting to Allah. Many of us forget that we are in this world for a purpose and that one day, we will be accountable to Allah for all of our actions. Allah Says:
ادْعُ إِلَىٰ سَبِيلِ رَبِّكَ بِالْحِكْمَةِ وَالْمَوْعِظَةِ الْحَسَنَةِ ۖ وَجَادِلْهُم بِالَّتِي هِيَ أَحْسَنُ
“Call to the way of your Lord with wisdom and beautiful preaching and argue with them in a way that is better.” (Surah al-Nahl 16:125)
Every relationship goes through its share of ups and downs. It’s only normal. A relationship is beautiful with all the imperfections and moving on from every fight and loving each other even more. When there is no lion about to pounce, flooding gets in your way. Taking time to think allows your body to calm down. It also sends a message that you care enough to at least consider someone else’s point of view, which is calming for the other person in the argument. Allah Says:
وَلَا يَأْتُونَكَ بِمَثَلٍ إِلَّا جِئْنَاكَ بِالْحَقِّ وَأَحْسَنَ تَفْسِيرًا
“And not they come to you with an example but We bring you the truth, and (the) best explanation.” (Surah Al-Furqan 25:33)
Some arguments should not be avoided. Some situations provide perfectly valid reasons for arguing, even loud, strong arguing. Of course, if you are in a dangerous situation, a loud argument is obvious. Arguing is disliked and although your intentions may be good for the purpose of spreading knowledge, it is very important to do so in a peaceful way; in Islam backing down is better.
Here are some ways to avoid ugly arguments in your relationship:
- Avoid to a disputing, arrogant, and bigoted person
- Avoid negative attention that leads to destruction
- Avoid raising your voice or worse yet, scream
- Avoid defaming, abuse, disparaging anyone
- Avoid physically abuse when you arguing
- Avoid feeling and keep the grudge inside
- Avoid breaking things or relationships
- Avoid to end up blurting out things
- Avoid threatening your relationship
- Avoid invoking Allah’s curse
- Avoid naming their worst fears
- Avoid getting angry, keep silent
- Avoid bringing issues from past
- Avoid finding yourself getting angry
- Avoid confusing solutions and emotions
- Avoid hurting the other person’s feelings
- Avoid the temptation to justify your behaviour
- Avoid being goaded or teased into quarrelling
- Avoid stockpiling your issues as this can distract
- Avoid focusing on winning or having the final word
Focus on resolving the core issue underlying the argument. It’s always difficult to back down in an argument. Its very nature makes us want to prove the person in front of us wrong, and Shaytan is egging us on. It’s even more difficult to back down from an argument when we know we are right. The Prophet (PBUH) provides an incentive in this hadith for us to back down from an argument even if we are right. Allah Says:
وَلَا تُجَادِلْ عَنِ الَّذِينَ يَخْتَانُونَ أَنفُسَهُمْ
“And argue not on behalf of those who deceive themselves…” (An-Nisaa: 107)
The nafs is our lower self/ego, which causes bad character. The nafs commands us to evil. It wants us to sin. It wants us to argue with others. It wants to win no matter the cost. Ego can easily make us arrogant and selfish, and it can stop us from accepting the truth. If we make the decision to tame our egos for the sake of Allah, He makes the path to self-rectification easy for us. When we take the first step, He comes to welcome us onto the path. When emotions run high, you should be sure to treat yourself well after the dust has settled.
Allah Almighty says in The Holy Quran:
- “And speak nicely to people.” (Quran, 2:83)
- “And He wishes to forgive you.” (Quran 4:146)
- “Allah wishes to accept your repentance…” (Nisa, 4:27)
- “And follow not that of which you have no knowledge….” (Al-Israa: 36)
- “And whoever does not repent, they are the wrongdoers.” (Quran 49:11)
- “Show forgiveness, enjoin what is good, and turn away from the foolish.” (Quran, 7:199)
- “And speak to him with gentle speech that perhaps he may be reminded or fear [Allah].” (Quran 20:44)
- “They say this only to have a dispute with you. No doubt, they are very quarrelsome.” (Al-Quran 43:58)
In Islam, the threat against one who holds hard feelings against them is severe. What a dangerous position, to be at war with Allah. It is bearable if one’s ears are cut, eyes gouged, and legs and arms were broken in punishment for this heinous crime because the difficulties and pains of this world will end. Therefore, it is imperative to avoid argumentation and slandering and we should fear Allah and constantly monitor our actions to see if they are in accordance with the Quran and Sunnah and not let Satan overpower us.
Dangers of Argumentation in Islam
- Argumentation guided except for indulging in disputation
- Argumentation has been highly discouraged in Islam
- Argumentation does not allow beneficial knowledge
- Argumentation leads to creating ill feelings
- Argumentation is a common disease
- Argumentation hatred amongst the people
- Argumentation affect the people around us
- Argumentation fall into the trap of the Satan
- Argumentation end up committing the same sin of pride
- Argumentation hardening the heart and it breeds hatred
Once you realize that a conversation is getting heated, take a deep breath and comment on the rising tension. Stop making your point, reacting, or talking about the topic. You can put an immediate stop to an argument by leaving the room or finding a different task to occupy your mind and take it off of the argument. O Allah, keep us away from the dispute and the disputant, and help us to be upright, and do not let our hearts deviate after You have guided us.
Some most relationship problems that you must definitely avoid:
- Whenever you feel angry take a moment to calm down: If there is a situation that has annoyed you terribly, you need to take a moment to calm yourself down.
- Boost your self-confidence: Everyone is unique. So, nobody can be either better or worse than anyone. Demeaning or devaluing yourself is the most damaging thing that you can do after getting rejected.
- Try to find out the positive aspect: Everything happens for a reason. Believe it or not, it is true. If a person has rejected you, somebody else will accept you the way you are.
- Communication is the key: Express your feelings and keep away the grudge, gradually, it gives you relief in a relationship.
- Let your partner know the problem: A healthy talk with each other can boost the level of understanding between you two.
- Give priority to your partner: Make your partner feel special, and make your lover feel wanted and special.
- Resolve problems without anger: Avoid being sucked into their need for attention.
- Learn to understand your feelings: Whenever you feel angry take a moment to calm down.
Relationships are complex and require effort to last long. You won’t find a single person who can say that he/she never had any disagreement or problem in his/her relationship. When two people are involved in something, minor tussles are obvious. But that should not become a ground for your break-up. Remember, parting ways is easy, but if you have got someone in your life who is very dear to you and love you a lot, you must do something to keep him close. Allah Says:
وَلَا تُجَادِلُوا أَهْلَ الْكِتَابِ إِلَّا بِالَّتِي هِيَ أَحْسَنُ
“And argue not with the people of the Scripture, unless it is in (away) that is better…” (Al-Ankaboot: 46)
Adopt positive ways to improve your relationship and make the bond between you and your partner, stronger. So, stop making efforts for being with the wrong person. The right one will eventually come to you and you must accept him with an open heart. May Allah help us to remember that when we deal with people, our transactions are actually with Him and not His creation. Allah Says:
وَلاَ تَنَازَعُواْ فَتَفْشَلُواْ وَتَذْهَبَ رِيحُكُمْ وَاصْبِرُواْ
“Do not dispute (with one another) lest you lose courage (and your strength departs), and be patient…” (Al-Anfaal: 46)
If you’re clearly in the wrong, there’s nothing to be gained by sticking to your guns and dragging an argument out. Instead, make a clear, direct apology for what you did to upset the person. We may never truly understand just how much our hearts are attached to the Dunya until we decide to give it up for the sake of Allah. We can spend our time on to read Quran and learning about Islam. May Allah grant us all the ability to have strong faith and the willingness to give up whatever comes between us and Allah. Ameen!
