All human beings have One God

Ways To Avoid Ugly Arguments

The Noble Quran clearly states that man is naturally argumentative, despite the evidence, arguments, proofs, clear signs and varied examples that he sees. Remind yourself and them that a Muslim should avoid division and difference completely. We cannot simply negotiate and compromise until we reach something agreeable to both of them because it may very well be unjust or not in accordance with Islaam. As Muslims, we add Allah into the equation. Allah says:

وَاعْتَصِمُوا بِحَبْلِ اللَّهِ جَمِيعًا وَلَا تَفَرَّقُوا وَاذْكُرُوا نِعْمَتَ اللَّهِ عَلَيْكُمْ إِذْ كُنتُمْ أَعْدَاءً فَأَلَّفَ بَيْنَ قُلُوبِكُمْ فَأَصْبَحْتُم بِنِعْمَتِهِ إِخْوَانًا

“Hold firmly to the rope of Allah all together and do not become divided. Remember the favour of Allah upon you, when you were enemies and He brought your hearts together and you became brothers by his favour.” (Surat Al Imran 3:103)

A dispute may be used to suppress the light of truth and to distract people from it. Avoidance, hatred, rejection, and envy all destroy the Muslim community and render it vulnerable to all forms of fitna. If, however, someone does get into such situations of dispute, then they have a maximum of three days after which they should solve the dispute and end the bad feeling between them. Allah Says:

ادْعُ إِلَىٰ سَبِيلِ رَبِّكَ بِالْحِكْمَةِ وَالْمَوْعِظَةِ الْحَسَنَةِ ۖ وَجَادِلْهُم بِالَّتِي هِيَ أَحْسَنُ

“Call to the way of your Lord with wisdom and beautiful preaching and argue with them in a way that is better.” (Surat al-Nahl 16:125)

We should respond to their misguided arguments with dignified behaviour and engage them in a discussion if they demonstrate sincerity, but we should leave them if the discussion descends into bitterness and fruitless debating. If they accept the message of Islam it is good for them, but if they refuse the message they should be left alone. Allah says

وَقَالُوا أَآلِهَتُنَا خَيْرٌ أَمْ هُوَ مَا ضَرَبُوهُ لَكَ إِلَّا جَدَلًا بَلْ هُمْ قَوْمٌ خَصِمُونَ 

“And they said, “Are our gods better or he?” Not they present it to you except (for) argument. Nay, they (are) a people argumentative.” (Surah Az-Zukhruf 43:58 )

Apologizing when you’re wrong is one of the simplest and most effective ways to prevent or diffuse an argument. Yet, many of us have a very difficult time admitting fault – this is nothing more than a misplaced sense of pride. ” Apologies change the game from “It’s Not My Fault” to “I Understand.” Apologies are powerful; they have prevented lawsuits, improved business communication, and healed personal rifts.

Here are some ways to help us argue more constructively:

  1. Make sure the opportunity to cool the atmosphere
  2. Talk about your feelings before you get angry
  3. Give more space to address your own needs
  4. Avoid harbouring resentment or discomfort
  5. Make sure in regards to matters of opinion
  6. Admit when you are wrong and apologize
  7. Move an argument towards a resolution
  8. Acknowledge your role in the argument
  9. Reach an acceptable compromise
  10. Helps prevent the harmful effects
  11. Take note of each other’s needs
  12. Allows your body to calm down
  13. Recognize anger as it arises
  14. Be ready to compromise
  15. Avoid negative sentiments
  16. Avoid blaming statements
  17. Allowing one another to speak
  18. Re-affirm that you are listening 
  19. Don’t threaten your relationship
  20. Deal issues with positive feelings
  21. Don’t bring up issues from the past
  22. Re-evaluate your attitude and emotion
  23. Controlling emotions during arguments
  24. Be sure you understand the perspective
  25. Create a process for resolving problems
  26. Don’t argue about things that don’t matter
  27. Prioritizing damage control in your own life
  28. Be clear and direct about your own position
  29. Ignore the other person and let things fester
  30. Acknowledge and address underlying issues

We should leave arguments and debates aside even if we are certain our position is correct and the others are upon falsehood. keeping your emotions entirely under control is often challenging, you do need to take responsibility for how your emotions affect your behaviour. Recognize that the state of mind, or attitude, with which you approach an ongoing or imminent argument is a significant determinant in your ability to stop arguing. Allah Says:

مَا يُجَادِلُ فِي آيَاتِ اللَّهِ إِلَّا الَّذِينَ كَفَرُوا فَلَا يَغْرُرْكَ تَقَلُّبُهُمْ فِي الْبِلَادِ

“Not dispute concerning (the) Verses (of) Allah except those who disbelieve, so (let) not deceive you their movement in the cities.” (Surah Ghafir 40:4 )

When someone is angry they need to state their feelings. They don’t break things or relationships: That is rageful behaviour. It’s amazing how issues of hurt feelings or differences can be resolved with a whisper.  In fact the ones we love hurt us the most because we love them the most. Allah Says:

وَإِن كَانَ ذُو عُسْرَةٍ فَنَظِرَةٌ إِلَىٰ مَيْسَرَةٍ وَأَن تَصَدَّقُوا خَيْرٌ لَّكُمْ إِن كُنتُمْ تَعْلَمُونَ 

“And if someone is in hardship, then [let there be] postponement until [a time of] ease. But if you give [from your right as] charity, then it is better for you if you only knew.” (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:280 )

Some people actually like to argue because it gives them a temporary feeling of power and gratification. Avoid being sucked into their need for attention. Learn to understand your feelings and how the process of anger affects you physically and emotionally. Allah Says:

وَلَا يَأْتُونَكَ بِمَثَلٍ إِلَّا جِئْنَاكَ بِالْحَقِّ وَأَحْسَنَ تَفْسِيرًا

“And not they come to you with an example but We bring you the truth, and (the) best explanation.” (Surah Al-Furqan 25:33)

Once you realize that a conversation is getting heated, take a deep breath and comment on the rising tension. Stop making your point, reacting, or talking about the topic. O Allah, keep us away from the dispute and the disputant, and help us to be upright, and do not let our hearts deviate after You have guided us.

Allah Almighty says in The Holy Quran:

  • “Show forgiveness, enjoin what is good, and turn away from the ignorant.” (Quran 7:199)
  • “And indeed do the devils inspire their allies [among men] to dispute with you. And if you were to obey them, indeed, you would be associators [of others with Him].” (Quran 6:121)
  • “Who spend [in the cause of Allah] during ease and hardship and who restrain anger and who pardon the people – and Allah loves the doers of good.” (Quran 3:134)
  • “The believers are nothing but brothers, so make peace between your two brothers and beware of Allah that perhaps you may be shown mercy.” (Al-Hujaraat:10)
  • “They disputed by [using] falsehood to [attempt to] invalidate thereby the truth. So I seized them, and how [terrible] was My Penalty.” (Quran 40:5)
  • “They did not present the comparison except for [mere] argument. But, [in fact], they are a people prone to dispute.” (Quran 43:58)
  • “Descend from Paradise, for it is not for you to be arrogant therein. So get out; indeed, you are of the debased.” (Quran 7:13)
  • “And do not spy or backbite each other. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his brother when dead? You would detest it. And fear Allah; indeed, Allah is Accepting of repentance and Merciful.” (Quran 49:12)
  • “And speak to him with gentle speech that perhaps he may be reminded or fear [Allah].” (Quran 20:44)

When two Muslims or two groups of Muslims disagree or fight, it is upon us to call all of them to what Allah says in that matter. So, if you know anybody out there, arguing, not talking to one another, shunning each other, or simply having distrust and ill-feeling towards some other fellow Muslims. To defuse an argument, stay calm and notice if the energy between you and the other person starts to shift. Allah says:

وَقَالُوا لَوْ شَاءَ الرَّحْمَٰنُ مَا عَبَدْنَاهُم مَّا لَهُم بِذَٰلِكَ مِنْ عِلْمٍ إِنْ هُمْ إِلَّا يَخْرُصُونَ

“And they say, “If had willed the Most Gracious, we would not have worshipped t Not they have about that any knowledge. Nothing they (do) but a lie.” (Surah Az-Zukhruf 43:20 )

Islam’s mission is to serve humanity. Disputation about sacred knowledge causes the heart to harden and breeds hatred. If Allah intends good for a servant, He opens the door of action and closes the door of disputation. Arguing is disliked and although your intentions may be good for the purpose of spreading knowledge, it is very important to do so in a peaceful way; in Islam backing down is better. Allah says:

وَلَقَدْ صَرَّفْنَا فِي هَٰذَا الْقُرْآنِ لِلنَّاسِ مِن كُلِّ مَثَلٍ وَكَانَ الْإِنسَانُ أَكْثَرَ شَيْءٍ جَدَلًا 

“And We have certainly diversified in this Quran for the people from every [kind of] example; but a man has ever been, most of anything, [prone to] dispute.” (Surah Al-Kahf 18:54 )

Go ahead and make peace between them. Do it for the sake of Allaah, remembering the reward and asking Him to accept it from you. Not only will it bring you immense reward and forgiveness from Him, but it will be one of the noblest things that you would do. May Allah remove all forms of enmity and ill feelings amongst us and enable us to love each other for His sake alone. Ameen.