Moulding a child concerns all parents. We are constantly doing something or other to make our child do better in studies, inculcate better discipline, excel in sports, learn social interaction and various other aspects depending on our own vision and capabilities. Whether we are aware of it or not we are constantly shaping our child as moulding is an integral part of parenting. We should strive to ensure that our children learn to experience and express themselves as free human beings. Allah says:
وَأَنفِقُوا فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ وَلَا تُلْقُوا بِأَيْدِيكُمْ إِلَى التَّهْلُكَةِ وَأَحْسِنُوا إِنَّ اللَّهَ يُحِبُّ الْمُحْسِنِينَ
“And spend in (the) way (of) Allah and (do) not throw (ourselves) [with your hands] into [the] destruction. And do good; indeed, Allah loves the good-doers.” (Surah Al-Baqara 2:195)
Parenting basically has to do with training, disciplining, moulding and at times forcing children to live as parents dictate. Forcing a child to adapt to what we think is right or what we feel the child should be doing is forceful parenting. Forceful parenting often does more damage to our children than it does good. It can demolish self-confidence and destroy imagination. Real moulding is when your child already has some abnormal behaviour that is either against the norms of society or is affecting his overall growth and development and you correct that. Allah says:
وَاعْلَمُوا أَنَّمَا أَمْوَالُكُمْ وَأَوْلَادُكُمْ فِتْنَةٌ وَأَنَّ اللَّهَ عِندَهُ أَجْرٌ عَظِيمٌ
“And know that your wealth and your children (are) a trial. And that Allah – with Him (is) a reward great.” (Surah Al-Anfal 8:28)
The parent’s role is very critical in child development. Give the child some household chores or ask them to help in your business work from a very young age, so they value what they have and have a sense of ownership. Discuss and divide the responsibilities of children amongst the parents Ideally, until the age of fourteen, a child needs more of the mother’s love and attention. Let her take care and take the decision of daily routines.
Here are some ways to mould the child so that they learn from their childhood mistakes:
- Parents directly influence their child’s development and behaviour
- Parents shower a child with love and let the nature take its course
- Parents keep the ideal development of intelligence and realization
- Parents rouse their curiosity by pumping them full of information
- Parents guide their children and participate in their activities
- Parents feel free to ask questions about all kinds of things
- Parents know when their children do something wrong
- Children are capable of judgment and understanding
- Parents teach them how to make tough decisions
- Parents teach them to listen to others
- Parents should value their child’s interests
- Parents acknowledge their child’s individualism
- Parents them to take responsibility for their actions
- Parents should share their knowledge of life with them
- Parents should develop a strong bond with their children
- Parents develop a child´s mind and mould his personality
- Parents be a good listeners and a storehouse of knowledge
- Parents should not be in the dark about the basic facts of life
- Parent’s duty to remove the insecurities or fears of their child
- Parents give them freedom and the opportunity to develop himself
Remember that taking too much care of even a child may make him crippled. A bit of resistance, and struggle, turns out to be a blessing for a child’s talent to develop. Only in the midst of adverse circumstances does a child pave a new path to reach the peaks of success. Teach the child to face life and failure courageously. Always motivate the child before facing any challenge, and never criticize for any failure. Instead, ask them about what lesson they learned or how would they do it next time. Allah says:
وَاعْبُدُوا اللَّهَ وَلَا تُشْرِكُوا بِهِ شَيْئًا ۖ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا
“Worship Allah and associate nothing with Him and be good to parents.” (Surat An-Nisa 4:36)
Parent’s role is perhaps a tricky one. Maintain love in one eye, and strictness in the other. Strictness does not harm the other person much; anger causes a lot of damage. Strictness does not mean anger, but it means to ‘blow off hot air. You have to say everything, but dramatically. What is considered to be drama? It means to pull on the chain of calmness and then show anger.
Here are some reasons why children misbehave:
- Children misbehave to get themselves noticed by their parents
- Children misbehave to feel a lack of attention and discouraged
- Children exhibits respectful behaviour at home or outside
- Children misbehave when they feel inadequate
- Children think and feel the same way as you do
- Children misbehave when they feel unloved
- Children misbehave when they do not feel well
- Children misbehave when they imitate their parents
- Children learn from elders, teach manners and respect
- Children misbehave when they are upset and disappointed
- Children misbehave when they want to assert their independence
Children test their parent’s discipline. It is mostly noted that children see their parents as their role models. Bad behaviour by parents is likely to be imitated by the child, resulting in misbehaviour. Give them full attention and listen to them properly, because it is only this way that you will be able to make them understand how important it is to have respect for others in a relationship. Allah says:
وَبَرًّا بِوَالِدَيْهِ وَلَمْ يَكُن جَبَّارًا عَصِيًّا
“And dutiful to his parents, and not he was a tyrant disobedient.” (Maryam 19:14)
Let the child know his/her limits. It is very important for you to set a definite boundary for the child. If he acts rebellious, discuss the reasons for the set parameters. A child will always want more freedom but would respect being given limits if he/she knows and appreciates the reason for the same. One thing that is very important for you is to praise your child when he/she shows desirable behaviour. Allah says:
وَأَنفِقُوا فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ وَلَا تُلْقُوا بِأَيْدِيكُمْ إِلَى التَّهْلُكَةِ وَأَحْسِنُوا إِنَّ اللَّهَ يُحِبُّ الْمُحْسِنِينَ
“And spend in (the) way (of) Allah and (do) not throw (ourselves) [with your hands] into [the] destruction. And do good; indeed, Allah loves the good-doers.” (Surah Al-Baqara 2:195)
A loving relationship between the parent and the child is very essential, which when not there makes the child behave badly. Without love, there can be no solutions, especially when children make mistakes. Even when you grow a plant, you have to nurture it with love. Merely pouring water over it and shouting at it will not do it. If done with love, if you talk to it with love, it will give you nice big flowers! So imagine how much more it can affect humans.
Here are a few practical ways to fulfil our duty as a parent:
- Pure love will arise within you only when you are pure
- Parents should play their role to the fullest solid effort
- Be attentive to the moral upbringing of children
- Love in one eye and strictness in the other eye
- Scold dramatically, and it will not hurt his ego
- A small mistake daily keeping the room clean
- All the corners of life have to be cleaned up
- Parents should understand how to live life
- Let children solve their own problems
- Wait for the situation to calm down
- Scolding without prejudice is useful
- Teach the child to face life courageously
- Don’t tell immediately something important
- Scold without spoiling your facial expressions
- Handle the situation without getting emotional
- Never label or tag your child like ‘you are a fool
- Keep your facial expressions pleasant and scold
- Sharing responsibilities between mother and father
Fathers generally need to get involved in life-impacting decisions like which school to get their child admission into, what career to pursue etc. Till the age of twelve to fifteen, you can guide them, but after sixteen you have to be friends. If you become a friend of your children, they will improve. But if you assert your authority as a parent, you risk losing them. Your friendship should be such that the child will not go looking for comfort and guidance elsewhere. You should do everything a friend would do, with your child. Allah says:
وَاعْبُدُوا اللَّهَ وَلَا تُشْرِكُوا بِهِ شَيْئًا وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا
“Worship Allah and associate nothing with Him, and be kind to parents.” (An-Nisa 4:36)
A parent should be to nurture and raise their child well and direct him on the right path. If he speaks to you in a disrespectful manner, and you do the same to him, he will become rebellious. Instead, you should sit and explain things to him in a gentle and loving manner. This is the primary role of parents in a child’s life. There should be a spiritual understanding behind all your acts. We can model and teach the skills that will equip them to lead themselves. Allah says:
رَبَّنَا اغْفِرْ لِي وَلِوَالِدَيَّ وَلِلْمُؤْمِنِينَ يَوْمَ يَقُومُ الْحِسَابُ
“Our Lord! Forgive me and my parents and the believers (on) the Day will (be) established the account.” (Ibrahim 14:41)
Parents should sit down with their children every night and explain things to them, and converse with them. If you improve, then everything will improve just by your presence. If the parents are good, then the children will be good, they will be sensible, but make the children rich in moral values. Children need is a little prompting. When parents constantly solve their children’s problems for them, children never develop the critical ability to stand on their own two feet.
