Marriages usually start so nicely. Everyone cooperates-the couple, their parents, other relatives, friends. Things usually run smoothly. But somewhere along the way, marital disputes pop up. This is, of course, natural, but these can escalate to dangerous levels if not dealt with correctly. Allah says:
وَآتُوا النِّسَاءَ صَدُقَاتِهِنَّ نِحْلَةً فَإِن طِبْنَ لَكُمْ عَن شَيْءٍ مِّنْهُ نَفْسًا فَكُلُوهُ هَنِيئًا مَّرِيئًا
And give the women their dower graciously. But if they remit to you anything of it (on there) own, then eat it (in) satisfaction (and) ease.” (Surah an-Nisa 4:4)
An unhappy marriage can create a lot of problems, not just problems but two lives as well as peace of your mind. To deal with it, we have researched and put our efforts to give you a solution to this problem. But the thing is if one of them compromise for children or the family then he or she can give happiness to others but can’t live himself or herself happy. Allah says:
وَأَنكِحُوا الْأَيَامَىٰ مِنكُمْ وَالصَّالِحِينَ مِنْ عِبَادِكُمْ وَإِمَائِكُمْ إِن يَكُونُوا فُقَرَاءَ يُغْنِهِمُ اللَّهُ مِن فَضْلِهِ وَاللَّهُ وَاسِعٌ عَلِيمٌ
“And marry the single among you and the righteous among your male slaves and your female slaves. If they are poor, Allah will enrich them from His bounty. And Allah (is) All-Encompassing, All-Knowing.” (Surah An-Nur 24:32)
Marriage is a beautiful relationship based on trust between two persons. But sometimes husband or wife suffers lots of problems because of communication problems or maybe they don’t understand each other. Also sometimes some external factors may influence the marriage.
How Do I Deal With an Unhappy Marriage?
- Du’a and Prayer
- Do Not Marry Potential
- Choose Character over Chemistry: While chemistry and attraction are no doubt important, character precedes them both. A famous quote follows, “Chemistry ignites the fire, but character keeps it burning.” The idea of falling “in love” should never be the sole reason for marrying someone; it is very easy to confuse infatuation and lust for love. The most important character traits to look for include humility, kindness, responsibility, & happiness. Here’s a breakdown of each trait:
- Humility: The humble person never makes demands of people but rather always does right by them. They put their values and principles above convenience and comfort. They are slow to anger, are modest, and avoid materialism.
- Kindness: The kind person is the quintessential giver. They seek to please and minimize the pain of others. To know if a person is a giver, observe how they treat their family, siblings, and parents. Do they have gratitude towards their parents for all that they’ve done for them? If not, then know that they will never appreciate what you do for them. How do they treat people they don’t have to be kind towards (i.e. waiters, sales associates, employees, etc)? How do they spend their money? How do they deal with anger; their anger and their reaction to someone else’s anger?
- Responsibility: A responsible person has stability in their finances, relationships, job, and character. You can rely on this person and trust what they say.
- Happiness: A happy person is a content with their portion in life. They feel good about themselves and good about their life. They focus on what they have rather than on what they don’t have. They very rarely complain.
- Do Not Neglect The Emotional Needs of Your Partner: Remember, before you decide who to take along on a trip, you should first figure out your destination.
- .Avoid Opposing Life Plans: In marriage, you can either grow together or grow apart. Sharing a common purpose in life will increase the chance that you will grow together.
- Avoid Pre-Marital Sexual/Physical Activity: Recognize that there is incredible wisdom in why God has ordered us to refrain from intimacy before marriage; they are to prevent great harms as well as to keep sacred what is the most blessed part of a relationship between a man and a woman.
- Aside from the obvious spiritual consequences, when a relationship gets physical before its time, important issues like character, life philosophy, and compatibility go to the wayside. Consequently, everything is romanticized and it becomes difficult to even remember the important issues let alone talk about them.
- Intellectual commitment must be established before emotional or sexual commitment.
- Avoid Lack of Emotional Connection: There are four questions that you must answer YES to:
- The more specifically you define yourself, i.e., your values, your beliefs, your lifestyle, the better chance you have of finding your life partner, your soul mate, the one you are most compatible with.
- You must know what the person is into. In other words, what are they ultimately passionate about? Then ask yourself, “Do I respect this passion?” “Do I respect what they are into?”
- Do I respect and admire this person? What specifically do I respect and admire about this person?
- Do I trust this person? Can I rely on them? Do I trust their judgment? Do I trust their word? Can I believe what they say?
- Do I feel Safe? Do I feel emotionally safe with this person? Can I be vulnerable? Can I be myself? Can I be open? Can I express myself?
- Do I feel calm and at peace with this person?
- Pay Attention to Your Emotional Anxiety
- Controlling behaviour
- Anger issues
- Be flexible. Be open-minded
- Beware of Lack of Openness In Your Partner
- Beware of Avoiding Personal Responsibility
The fact is no one looks 25 forever. Ultimately, we love the person we marry for more than their appearance. When we get to know someone we love and admire, we’ll love them for their inner beauty and overall essence.
وَأَنكِحُوا الْأَيَامَىٰ مِنكُمْ وَالصَّالِحِينَ مِنْ عِبَادِكُمْ وَإِمَائِكُمْ إِن يَكُونُوا فُقَرَاءَ يُغْنِهِمُ اللَّهُ مِن فَضْلِهِ وَاللَّهُ وَاسِعٌ عَلِيمٌ
“And marry the single among you and the righteous among your male slaves and your female slaves. If they are poor, Allah will enrich them from His bounty. And Allah (is) All-Encompassing, All-Knowing.” (Surah An-Nur 24:32)
Once we find someone, we consciously or subconsciously want so badly for it all to work that we decide not to question or see what is clearly in front of our eyes: they were rude to the waiter, speaks ill of others, is rude to you, etc. We don’t stop to ask, “What does all of this mean about their character?”
Never separate someone from their family, background, education, belief system, etc. Asking clear questions can clarify this. Ask questions like, “What does it mean to have a simple lifestyle?” “What are your expectations of marriage?” “How would you help around the house?” Compare your definition with theirs.
Giving in a happy marriage should not be confused with martyrdom. It should be about taking pleasure and seeing the other person as happy because of your connection with them. Morality and spirituality are the qualities that truly define someone in addition to beauty, money, and health. The morally upright and spiritual person will stand by your side during adversity and hardship.
If someone isn’t God-conscience and doesn’t take themselves into account with God then why should you expect them to fulfil their rights owed to you? The ideal partner is someone who considers giving a gain and not causing a loss. Having a mutual and shared spiritual relationship will foster a successful marriage.
وَالْقَوَاعِدُ مِنَ النِّسَاءِ اللَّاتِي لَا يَرْجُونَ نِكَاحًا فَلَيْسَ عَلَيْهِنَّ جُنَاحٌ أَن يَضَعْنَ ثِيَابَهُنَّ غَيْرَ مُتَبَرِّجَاتٍ بِزِينَةٍ وَأَن يَسْتَعْفِفْنَ خَيْرٌ لَّهُنَّ وَاللَّهُ سَمِيعٌ عَلِيمٌ
“And postmenopausal among the women who (do) not have a desire (for) marriage, then not is on them any blame that they put aside their (outer) garments, not displaying their adornment. And that they modestly refrain (is) better for them. And Allah (is) All-Hearer, All-Knower.” (Surah An-Nur 24:60)
Furthermore, a successful marriage is one that keeps the laws of family purity which require a certain degree of self-control and self-discipline, as well as the belief that the physical side of the relationship includes the spiritual and emotional side as well. Finding commonality and balance between the spiritual and emotional aspects of a relationship is a strong key to a healthy and thriving marriage.
Here are some tips to get you over that hump:
In-laws
In-laws are the focus of blame and reproach when there are marital disputes. But there are ways to maintain a good relationship with them. Here are some tips:
- Remember your spouse’s parents have known them longer and loved them longer. Never make an issue about “me or them”.
- Let respective parties settle their disputes. If your mother-in-law has a problem with her husband, let them deal with it. Don’t interfere
- Don’t tell your spouse how to improve their relationship with their parents.
- Expect some adjustment time for parents after marriage to adjust to this new relationship.
- Remember that mothers are usually sceptical about daughters-in-law and fathers about sons-in-law.
- Always treat your in-laws with compassion, respect and mercy.
- Maintain a balance between your needs and that of your in-laws.
- Never compare your wife to your mother or your husband to your dad.
- Do not go to your parents with your quarrels.
- If you are supporting your parents financially inform your spouse as a matter of courtesy and clarity.
- Do not forbid your spouse from seeing family unless you fear for their religion and safety.
- Do not divulge secrets.
- Make time to know your in-laws but stay out of their disputes.
- Maintain the Adab (etiquettes) of Islam with your sister- and brothers-in-law (i.e.no hugging or kissing).
- You are not obliged to spend every weekend with your in-laws.
- Give grandparents easy and reasonable access to their grandchildren.
- Be forgiving and keep your sense of humour.
- Remember that nobody can interfere or influence your marriage unless you allow them to.
- Invite in-laws at least once a month for a meal.
- Visit them when you can and encourage your spouse to visit their parents and regularly check on them.
- When parents become dependent on their children, a serious discussion with all parties present should take place. Expectations and requirements of such a living arrangement must be worked out.
How to deal with an unhappy marriage?
For happiness, you must have to understand that satisfaction of both husband and wife is important. If you just expect your wife to compromise then you will lose her permanently because in that case, she will be just physically there for you.
So, to live happy in your marriage firstly you have to know about your Spouse nature if he or she is quiet then don’t focus on the immature behaviour you have to talk to him or her in a mature manner. But if your spouse is fun-loving then you can handle him or her with different fun factors.
وَآتُوا النِّسَاءَ صَدُقَاتِهِنَّ نِحْلَةً فَإِن طِبْنَ لَكُمْ عَن شَيْءٍ مِّنْهُ نَفْسًا فَكُلُوهُ هَنِيئًا مَّرِيئًا
“And give the women their dower graciously. But if they remit to you anything of it (on there) own, then eat it (in) satisfaction (and) ease.” (Surah An-Nisa` 4:4)
But if your condition is different and you are forced to live with him or herself or if your spouse or your family blackmailed you to live forcefully then you shouldn’t try to attempt any wrong act. Allah doesn’t allow us to harm the body. You have to deal with your unhappy marriage with courage and patience. Allah says:
يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا إِذَا نَكَحْتُمُ الْمُؤْمِنَاتِ ثُمَّ طَلَّقْتُمُوهُنَّ مِن قَبْلِ أَن تَمَسُّوهُنَّ فَمَا لَكُمْ عَلَيْهِنَّ مِنْ عِدَّةٍ تَعْتَدُّونَهَا فَمَتِّعُوهُنَّ وَسَرِّحُوهُنَّ سَرَاحًا جَمِيلًا
O you who believe! When you marry believing women and then, divorce them before [that] you have touched then not for you on them any waiting period (to) count concerning them. To provide for them and release them (with) a release good.”(Surah Al-Ahzab 33:49)
It’s very important to remember no one else is responsible for your happiness. Many people make the mistake of thinking someone else will fulfil them and make their life better and that’s their reason for getting married. People fail to realize that if they are unhappy as a single person, they will continue to be miserable when they are married. Allah says:
الَّذِينَ لَا يُؤْتُونَ الزَّكَاةَ وَهُم بِالْآخِرَةِ هُمْ كَافِرُونَ
“Those who (do) not give the zakah, and they in the Hereafter they (are) disbelievers.” (Surah Fussilat 41:7)
If you are currently not happy with yourself, don’t like yourself, don’t like the direction your life is going now, it’s important to take responsibility for that now and work on improving those areas of your life before considering marriage. Don’t bring these issues into your marriage and hope your partner will fix them. Allah says:
وَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلَّا تُقْسِطُوا فِي الْيَتَامَىٰ فَانكِحُوا مَا طَابَ لَكُم مِّنَ النِّسَاءِ مَثْنَىٰ وَثُلَاثَ وَرُبَاعَ فَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلَّا تَعْدِلُوا فَوَاحِدَةً أَوْ مَا مَلَكَتْ أَيْمَانُكُمْ ذَٰلِكَ أَدْنَىٰ أَلَّا تَعُولُوا
And if you fear that not you will be able to do with the orphans, then marry what seems suitable to you from the women two, or three, or four. But if you fear that not you can do justice then (marry) one or what possesses your right hand. That (is) more appropriate that you (may) not oppress.” (Surah an-Nisa 4:3)
Marriage is the union of two souls. There is no doubt that marriage is hard and that happiness in a marriage may take some time. Marriage is not and cannot always be a happy fairy tale. It is real life, and as Muslims, we know that this life is only temporary and that everlasting happiness can just be found in the Hereafter.
