Parents should give their children a good upbringing and take care of them so that they will be in a good state in both religious and worldly affairs. Children are quick to imitate their parents with regard to reactions. As children enter the teenage year’s parents need to understand the struggles that they face also to help us to understand why they seem to behave in such terrible ways at this age. Children are naturally predisposed to be good and kind to their parents because Allah has put this natural disposition of affection and love between the parents and children. Allah says:
وَالَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَاتَّبَعَتْهُمْ ذُرِّيَّتُهُم بِإِيمَانٍ أَلْحَقْنَا بِهِمْ ذُرِّيَّتَهُمْ وَمَا أَلَتْنَاهُم مِّنْ عَمَلِهِم مِّن شَيْءٍ كُلُّ امْرِئٍ بِمَا كَسَبَ رَهِينٌ
“And those who believed and followed them their offspring in faith, We will join with them their offspring and not We will deprive them of their deeds (in) anything. Every person for what he earned (is) pledged.” (Surah At-Tur 52:21)
For a start, they are going through many hormonal changes which will naturally affect their mood. As they enter into the early stages of adulthood they are suddenly faced with the daunting prospect of becoming a responsible adult and all the changes that occur in the transition from childhood to adulthood and the anxieties that accompany this. Allah says:
الَّذِينَ يُنفِقُونَ فِي السَّرَّاءِ وَالضَّرَّاءِ وَالْكَاظِمِينَ الْغَيْظَ وَالْعَافِينَ عَنِ النَّاسِ وَاللَّهُ يُحِبُّ الْمُحْسِنِينَ
“Those who spend in [the] ease and (in) the hardship and those who restrain the anger and those who pardon [from] the people – and Allah loves the good-doers.” (Surah Al-Imran, 3:134)
We can warn the disobedient child with good words and we must be patient in facing him. By doing this, the child will not resentful and realize his wrongdoings. This is also to show that we can educate the disobedient child gently without speaking harshly that may hurt him. When your children show disobedient behaviour, never call them “naughty” or “bad” kids. The label will stick forever and eventually becomes a stereotype. Your children will see themselves as naughty kids and they behave that way. Allah says:
فَبِمَا رَحْمَةٍ مِّنَ اللَّهِ لِنتَ لَهُمْ وَلَوْ كُنتَ فَظًّا غَلِيظَ الْقَلْبِ لَانفَضُّوا مِنْ حَوْلِكَ فَاعْفُ عَنْهُمْ وَاسْتَغْفِرْ لَهُمْ وَشَاوِرْهُمْ فِي الْأَمْرِ فَإِذَا عَزَمْتَ فَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى اللَّهِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ يُحِبُّ الْمُتَوَكِّلِينَ
“So because (of) Mercy from Allah, you dealt gently with them. And if you had been rude (and) harsh (at) [the] heart, surely they (would have) dispersed from around you. Then pardon [from] them and ask forgiveness for them and consult them on the matter. Then when you have decided, put trust in Allah. Indeed, Allah loves the ones who put trust (in Him).” (Surah Al-Imran 3:159)
The child is disobedient because of the lack of care from us and he seeks attention from us. So, we need to praise and record him when he does something good. Also, we should never bring up and record him when he does something bad so he is not hurt because this can lead to bad behaviour and becomes his character. Allah says:
وَأْمُرْ أَهْلَكَ بِالصَّلَاةِ وَاصْطَبِرْ عَلَيْهَا لَا نَسْأَلُكَ رِزْقًا نَّحْنُ نَرْزُقُكَ وَالْعَاقِبَةُ لِلتَّقْوَىٰ
“And enjoin (on) your family the prayer and be steadfast therein. Not We ask you (for) provision; We provide (for) you, and the outcome (is) for the righteous[ness].” (Surah Ta-Ha 20:132)
We need to pay attention to the friends of the child or his surroundings before blaming him because the bad influence could be from his friend that will affect the behaviour and morals of the child. Childhood is a period that makes him easily imitate or follow the behaviour of someone near to him. So, as his parents, we need to see and arrange his society at school or home when he is always disobedient. Allah says:
إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَأْمُرُ بِالْعَدْلِ وَالْإِحْسَانِ وَإِيتَاءِ ذِي الْقُرْبَىٰ وَيَنْهَىٰ عَنِ الْفَحْشَاءِ وَالْمُنكَرِ وَالْبَغْيِ يَعِظُكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَذَكَّرُونَ
“Indeed, Allah commands justice and the good, and giving (to) relatives, and forbids [from] the immorality and the bad and the oppression. He admonishes you so that you may take heed.” (Surah An-Nahl, 16:90)
If a child grows up disobedient and rebellious, then the parents must do more and try harder to guide him and make him righteous, by reminding him and advising him, showing patience towards him, praying for him, choosing good friends for him and choosing righteous acquaintances who can visit him, and advise him and befriend him.
Here are some ways to deal with a disobedient Child in Islam:
- Encourage them to Worship Allah SWT
- Discuss the matter with your spouse
- Make a rule, it is good for the family
- Educate him on the Prophet’s ways
- Provide educational entertainment
- Give affection, love, and attention
- Never put a certain label on them
- Warn him with good words
- Speak with them gently
- Don’t argue with them
- Give some advice
- Set a good example
- Do not complain to him
- Do not fight in front of him
- Take him for a walk and relax
- Be calm and not easily angered
- Provide good examples as parents
- Give attention to their environment
- Use a reward and punishment system
- Pay attention to the child’s surroundings
- Never blame someone for a mistake to him
- Praise when the child does something good
But if the son becomes worse and the evil and trouble he causes increases, and admonition and discipline do not succeed with him, then it is obligatory to denounce his evil by all possible means, or seek the help of other men in the family against him, or taking the matter to the authorities, if it is not possible to stop his evil by any of the other means. Allah says:
فَبِمَا رَحْمَةٍ مِّنَ اللَّهِ لِنتَ لَهُمْ وَلَوْ كُنتَ فَظًّا غَلِيظَ الْقَلْبِ لَانفَضُّوا مِنْ حَوْلِكَ فَاعْفُ عَنْهُمْ وَاسْتَغْفِرْ لَهُمْ وَشَاوِرْهُمْ فِي الْأَمْرِ فَإِذَا عَزَمْتَ فَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى اللَّهِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ يُحِبُّ الْمُتَوَكِّلِينَ
“So because (of) Mercy from Allah you dealt gently with them. And if you had been rude (and) harsh (at) [the] heart, surely they (would have) dispe from around you. Then pardon [from] them and ask forgiveness for them and consult them in the matter. Then when you have decided, put trust in Allah. Indeed, Allah loves the ones who put trust (in Him” (Surah Al-Imran, 3:159)
It is good for the family if there is a rule that ties and arranges the family for doing something. We can make a rule such as giving a present for the good attitude and punishment for the bad attitude. With this rule, of course, the child will try to have a good attitude so he can get a present. Moreover, the child is always happy when he gets a present that he likes and will treasure it. By adding a punishment, the child will try to avoid doing something bad because he doesn’t want to get it. Allah says:
وَلَا تَقْفُ مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِ عِلْمٌ إِنَّ السَّمْعَ وَالْبَصَرَ وَالْفُؤَادَ كُلُّ أُولَٰئِكَ كَانَ عَنْهُ مَسْئُولًا
“And (do) not pursue what not you have of it any knowledge. Indeed, the hearing, and the sight, and the heart all those will be [about it] questioned.” (Surah Al-Isra 17:36)
As a parent, we must provide our child with educational entertainment such as watching non-violence channels on TV so he can learn something good from TV and not imitate something bad that can make him more disobedient. Entertainment is good for the child because he can relax and enjoy something so we should always provide it with a sufficient amount.
